Proverbs 29:22 Adjust the Vent, Part II

An angry person stirs up conflict, and a hot-tempered person commits many sins.

Yesterday we explored some Hebrew words and we touched on some consequences of uncontrolled anger.
Today, let's look at wise ways to handle our anger.
Remember this verse from earlier in chapter 29?

A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise person keeps himself under control. Proverbs 29:11

Solomon didn't tell us, "a wise person never gets mad" but that a wise person will keep himself or herself under control. Hmmm, kinda like that vent, right? Open it slowly, gradually.  This is our first clue on handling anger wisely -- to vent it without exploding!
I have six ways that we can try -- some may work better than others for each particular person, and some are absolutely essential . . . let's get started.

1. Talk it out or write it out: Possibly the most important way to deal with anger is to talk about it, but without hurting anyone else with our words. Remember yesterday that we mentioned sometimes we get mad when we feel hurt, or helpless. If we can express those feelings, the anger will decline. As the hurt and helpless feelings become less intense, our anger will subside as well. So, if you can talk about your feelings with someone that you trust, that will help. Writing down what we’re thinking might help if there’s no one to talk to about it.

2. Forgive: The second aspect of handling anger wisely is to exercise forgiveness. It's kinda like a muscle; when you exercise it it gets stronger! I know that sounds a lot easier just to say it casually then to actually do it, but following Christ means learning to be like Him, and express forgiveness. If we find ourselves dwelling over and over again on an offense against us, resentment will turn us into angry, bitter people.
 
3. Take ownership: Third, we need to take ownership of our own role in the problem. We need to search for areas where we went wrong, and find forgiveness ourselves, through repentance.  It's not often that we get hurt, and we've not contributed in some way to the problem. We need to take ownership to vent our anger slowly.

4. A gentle word: Remember Proverbs 15:1? "A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger." The word "gentle" means "soft" and "calm." When we get mad, our words turn harsh. Sometimes we overstate the situation and use words like "always" and "never" even though we know they are not correct. Sometimes we use sarcasm. So this proverb says to use a gentle answer. Now, that doesn't mean that we are going to tell the other person what they want to hear -- it means that what we do say, is in a soft tone and content. No sarcasm, just sincerity, caring and gentleness.

5. Patience: In that same chapter, we find: Proverbs 15:18--"A hot tempered person stirs up dissension, but a patient person calms a quarrel." Sometimes it may take more than one gentle word! It may take time to de-fuse a situation, and we need patience to deal with that. Now, patience is not resigning yourself to something and being a martyr. It's a positive attitude of active endurance, of bearing up under difficult circumstances. You could translate the New Testament word for "patience" as staying power.

 
6. Choose your battles: We shouldn't avoid conflict at all costs, but there are some conflicts we should use wisdom and avoid. There are certain situations in life when it is simply best to avoid an argument. We've learned in earlier chapters in Proverbs, that this is especially true when a person is not open to correction.

I hope that this two-part study has been a help to someone who reads it . . . I know that I learned a lot from it myself!

Proverbs 29:22 Adjust the vent, Part I

An angry person stirs up conflict, and a hot-tempered person commits many sins.

You're probably looking at that title and the photo, and comparing it with the verse, and thinking to yourself, "Snoodles is off her crumpet again." But hang in there with me, and maybe it will make sense in the end!

Everyday in the news there are people saying and doing controversial things. In His day, Jesus said and did controversial things, as well. One of those was when He told His listeners about anger, and how it could be a form of murder:

"You’ve heard that it was said, "Thou shalt not murder," and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment. But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment" (Matthew 5:21-22)

Jesus was telling us that murder may be the fruit, or end result, but the root of the problem is anger. And although not every fit of anger results in violent acts, every violence can be traced back to the root cause of anger. OK, now, it's easy enough to have head knowledge of this, but how can we actually root it out of our lives?  You see, everyone has anger -- it is a human emotion. Even Jesus got angry.  We need to figure out how to deal with our anger in a way that honors God. Tall order, no?  Yes!
Let's look first at what anger does to us. We've said it's simply an emotion, and that all humans get angry at times. It's what we do with that anger (how we express it) that determines whether we are handling it wisely or not. Let's talk about uncontrolled anger . . . why uncontrolled? Check out those Hebrew words:
The second word in the verse, translated "angry" is actually an extremely descriptive word in the Hebrew language. It's very graphic -- it pictures a person's nostrils flaring. This word is describing more than just mild irritation; it's red hot anger. It's the kind of wild-eyed-fists-clenched-veins-distended-clenched-teeth kind of anger that is totally out of control.
The second half of the verse describes a "hot tempered" person. This language is every bit as picturesque, though we may not find the picture appealing. The word literally means "full of poison" or full of venom. Wow! Like a snake, with sharp fangs ready to dispense lethal venom, the hot tempered person is full of poison and it's ready to spill out. Some venom can induce blindness, and indeed, anger can blind us to the sin we are headed into.
Uncontrolled anger, then, leads us into sin.
Ever heard someone describe themselves as "boiling over"? Yep, our emotions can boil over, and just like trying to get a lid on a fiercely boiling pot, or a petcock on a pressure cooker, it's hard to stop once anger is stirred up.
Are we a victim when our anger is stirred up? Not all the time. Yes, there are times when our feelings are hurt, and we are angry. We feel we've not been treated well, and we get mad. We feel helpless about situations in our life -- here comes that anger.
Sometimes, though, our anger is stirred up by our dwelling on that person who hurt our feelings. We hang out with our friends who commiserate with us, and agree that we were not treated well. We rehearse the scene over and over, and get more and more angry. Natural? Yes.  A godly attitude?  No.
Lots of things can happen when that anger is stirred up --- we can commit sins that we never would have considered had we not been blinded by rage. We can harm interpersonal relationships in ways that we will regret for years. We can say reckless, hurtful things. 
Back to our vent up there in the photo. You know how the air rushes out when the fan is on high and the vent is wide open? Whoosh! Whether hot or cold, it's full-blast, extremely forceful, isn't it? That is how our anger is, when it is uncontrolled . . . like the air coming from the wide-open vent, there is nothing to stop it, nothing to temper or control it.
Tomorrow let's look at ways that we can "adjust the vent" and control our anger, and deal with it wisely.

Proverbs 29:8 Why the other shoe has not dropped

Mockers stir up a city, but wise men turn away anger. Proverbs 29:8


The King James version translates this verse in this way:

Scornful men bring a city into a snare: but wise men turn away wrath.

Remember when we have studied verses that mention scorners? Let's refresh for a moment:
If we go all the way back to chapter 9 of Proverbs, the scorner is linked to the totally wicked man in verse 7, and he's the opposite of a wise man in verse 8. In Proverbs 13:1 he refuses to listen to rebuke, and in 14:6, he can't find wisdom even when he looks for it!
Mr. Scorner won't go the the wise man for advise, and he doesn't like people who correct him, in Proverbs 15:12.  Character?  Let's see, in chapter 21, he's described as proud, haughty, arrogant, and constantly angry and proud.  Blechh.  Not a person that I want to be around, how about you?

Well, the reason for all of those details was to get to this: when scorners rule a nation or a city, that place is in deep trouble. We truly need a wise man or wise leaders to run our nation, instead of scornful, wicked ones. Scornful rulers will impose their own will and views on their citizens, and wicked leaders will allow or even contribute to the moral decay of their nation.

Some people will look around with their rose-colored glasses on, and ignore the things that they should see, the things that are wrong and against God's loving guidance. They want to pretend that the world is a lovely place full of lovely things and lovely people. God sees the sin --- he loves the sinners, remember that -- and the wickedness of the world. Our world can't help the decay it is in, I guess, with the people that we hold up as ones to admire and emulate. We keep putting the same kinds of people in power, and then wonder why we have to try so hard to pull our nation back to its senses and try to restore some sanity.
Ever wonder why God's wrath has not come down yet on us? I think the answer is in the second half of the verse . . . wise men turn away wrath.  There is a remnant, a minority, a small number of wise and holy people in this world, and they are prayer warriors. I truly believe that is why the "shoe has not dropped" and judgement come down. The wise men and women of America are praying for God to have mercy; they are asking for time to reach out and invite more to experience God's love.
Are we some of the wise men and women, who are turning away His wrath?

Proverbs 27:3 A heavy weight

Stone is heavy and sand a burden,
    but a fool’s wrath is heavier than both.

Many of us have fond memories of happy times, walking in the sand near the sea. There are probably not too many of us that have ever experienced quicksand. Although the movies make it seem like it can keep sucking a human being down, science sites on the web say that you would only sink about waist deep and then stop. Of course, you'd need someone to help you out, but you wouldn't just keep going until you went under!
Wet sand, though, is awfully heavy. If you've helped a child build a sand castle, you know that the bucket of wet sand is really heavy....just as if you put stones in the bottom.

You may have read in the Bible about several large, heavy stones. One is in Genesis 39:1-3 . . . think how large a stone would need to be, to cover the mouth of a well! No wonder it took several men to move it.

Another is noted in the Gospels -- remember the stone that was rolled away when Christ arose? That one was so large that it covered the doorway to the tomb, and it took a mighty angel to move it.  

Solomon is saying here that a foolish person's wrath is as weighty, as heavy, as those stones, or wet sand. It can weigh him down, and it can destroy him and others around him. Today, wrath and anger are used interchangeably sometimes, but look at the difference in the Hebrew meanings:

                anger: ire, indignation, grief
                wrath: hot displeasure, furious, rage, poison

Kinda like wrath is anger on steroids, huh? A foolish person has a hot temper, and a quick-lighting fuse -- he boils over and his emotional outburst may turn quickly into actions that he will later regret. 

Do we sometimes excuse ourselves by saying, "Well, I have a quick temper, but I get over it just as quickly, and then forgive and forget."  Maybe we should work on omitting the first half (losing our temper) and concentrate on the second part (the forgive and forget part). 

James 1:19-20 has helped me many times:

¹⁹ My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, ²⁰ because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

I want so badly to live the righteousness that He desires . . . don't you?

PS: Please click over to our prayer request page . . . there are some updates and a new request. I know that these folks will appreciate your prayers. Thank you.

Prov 22: 24-25 Choosing Carefully

²⁴ Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person,
    do not associate with one easily angered,
²⁵ or you may learn their ways
    and get yourself ensnared. 

What do you think of, when I say the word "friend"?

Does your mind go back to a childhood buddy that shared hours of mud-puddle fun with you? To a teen companion that weathered the turbulent years with you? To a person who is a vital part of your life today?
Friends add so much meaning to our lives. They can bring joy to us, share our problems, and add to our experiencing the world around us. What would we do if great things happened in our lives -- a child graduates, we get a new job, we are honored with an award -- and there was no one to share the news with?
In contrast, what can give you more relief in a time of grief or frustration than talking to a friend? Friends can be mirrors; they can be sounding boards, and they can even be guideposts.
Choosing a friend is not an easy task . . . it is vitally important to be careful when we choose the people who we will associate with. The Assyrians were a nation that Solomon was familiar with, and they repeated an old proverb that said, "Tell me who your friends are and I'll tell you who you are." Later on in Proverbs (27:17) we'll see that just as "iron sharpens iron," so our friends shape who we are.
Sometimes I wonder as I read certain verses if Solomon was speaking from personal experience. Perhaps he knew someone who was "hot-tempered" and easily angered. Perhaps he had needed to take care, so that he, Solomon, was not greatly influenced by that person, and did not become trapped by that type of behavior.
What can happen to a person easily angered? How can they be "ensnared"? Well, one thing that can happen is that they lash out in their anger and say or do something to hurt other people --- even people that they love. In the moment that their anger is white-hot, they may not even realize what they say, or how they say it. When the tempest subsides, they will need to make amends - if they can.  Secondly, a hot-tempered person can damage their own health. Jumping to conclusions and getting angry raises the blood pressure and sets off chemical reactions within the body. It takes time to repair those damages, too.
It's a fine line that we walk, as Christians. We want to help others, and assist them in discovering Christ and living for Him. At the same time, we need to insure that our friends -- the people we spend the most time with, and the people that we bare our hearts to -- are friends that encourage us to reveal the best within us, not ones that influence us to "learn their ways" and become ensnared in sin.  Good advice from an ancient king.

Proverbs 15:1

A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger.

(photo source)

This photo kind of reminds me of myself.

I am a laid back person for the most part.

Calm. Easy going. 

But do you know what this is a photo of?

No, not a mountain. 

A volcano.

Sometimes some people just irritate me.

And annoy me.

And I just don't get why they have to be so stupid.

(Sorry to be blunt and say that but I am trying to be honest about what goes through my far from perfect little mind.)

And I just get fed up!

I bet you can guess what happens next.

Have you ever thought about a volcano erupting? 

It has this huge outburst, and then all that hot lava flows out, 

forming a river that flows down the mountain.

And then what?

Devastation.

(source for above and below)

Having an outburst of anger does the exact same thing. 

I am afraid that this is one of my faults, so I know.

I just blow up, and then it seems like that blow up causes one thing to happen and then another thing to happen.

Next thing you know, I am up over my head in a mess of my own making.

Just like the flow of volcanic fluid.

Then, when I get done saying my piece and stomp off mad,

 whoever I took it out on is left standing in my mess.

Some witness I was there, huh?

So, am I the only one that struggles with this?

--Tonya--

Proverbs 14:29

He who is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who is quick-tempered exalts folly.

I giggled as I uploaded this picture to the blog, but then I thought for a minute.

How often do we look like this? If we had a camera trained on us, would there be times that our foolish anger would completely embarrass us. 

Yes, I am afraid so.

As I often do, I am going to tell you a story about something that happened in my life. If I have told this before, please forgive me. It is a life long lesson to me that literally comes to mind every time I think about the destruction that anger can bring.

As all of you know, I was only 8 when my mother passed away. I was certainly old enough to remember more about her than I do, but tragic circumstances from her death and the years following caused my young brain to block any memories before the age of 9. I do have a couple of things that stand out in my memory though. These few things are the things that must have made the biggest impression on my young mind. 

Before I tell my story, you need to know that I have been told that my mother was a wonderful mother and that I was her life. According to others, everything she lived and did was for me. It is so sad that I don't remember ANY of that! What I do remember was a time when my mom got angry...

We are at a local amusement park and disco music was very popular at the time. I was probably around 7 years old. I have always battled ear trouble; therefore I am very sensitive to loud noise. We were at the amusement park with our cousins...and I was the 'baby'...several years younger than all the rest of them. They all wanted to go into the disco building and dance. I don't remember too much more than crying that it hurt my ears and begging my mother to let me leave. I guess she thought I was being selfish because she very angrily grabbed my ear and yelled into it very very loudly. I still can remember how badly it hurt. 

One moment of loss of temper brushed away every good memory that I have of my mother.

 Let it be a lesson to you. 

Yesterday we talked about working hard to spread the message of Christ, and how whether at home or in the workplace, we have to work towards that.

One little moment and loss of temper can ruin everything you've tried to achieve.