Aging gratefully

I SO believe in this one, too!

Haven't you seen elderly folks who simply cannot bring themselves to say thank you? They need assistance, but they seem to take it as an affront when someone helps? Their face gets kinda hard and set, and they grit their teeth or square their chin. The eyebrows knit together except for that deep line between them. They are SO NOT happy . . . .    Ohhhh, to tell you the truth, I actually made a list of things for "when I am old." 

Seriously.

I did it when this study began.

Here are a few of them:

      "When I'm old, I will accept help graciously. I will thank the person who wants to assist me."

      "When I'm old, I will ask for help when I need it. I will not allow my pride to interfere."

      "I will not deny nor make excuses for my needs."

      "When I need help, or when I receive help, I will thank God for the person helping."

      "When I receive help, I will smile cheerfully at that person, too."

Talllllllllll order, no?

I mean, come on, there are such things as pride (not a good thing, here) and a sense of wanting to continue our independence from needing other humans to do things for us (that's a good thing if we don't take it too far).

Ummm. Yep.

Kind of a thorny issue, wouldn't you say? Not as easy or as "cut and dried" as we thought when we began a few sentences ago. And definitely something that we need to have compassion for others about, and work on our own selves about, too.

Some of us may be in this situation with older relatives now. Some of us may be the "older relatives" in the equation. (Grin) Let's look at things practically and biblically . . . 

If, indeed, it is we who are the "elders," then it may be that our adult children and our friends tiptoe around our dignity and our independence, preferring to have us lead our own lives as long as possible. Many times their desire to maintain our safety morphs into a power struggle. It's important that we remember it is age, not our loved ones, who is the "enemy" of our independence. (Grin)

One way to look at this is that when we receive help from someone, it is empowering to both of us: the helper and the helped. The one who is assisting is our ally, and we need to realize that they are supporting our desire to live independently as long as we can. At the same time, our accepting graciously the help offered is important to allow us to conserve energy for different tasks that we have on our "to do" list, and also affords the helper a boost to their spirits -- it just makes ya feel good to help someone, and that's a blessing that we should allow, not remove!

Another important point to remember is that when we are grateful for the help, we are "giving," just as our helpers are. There is giving inherent in receiving - adult children and friends who take care of elders mature both personally and spiritually. We are gifting them with an opportunity to learn and to grow. Sure, it's true that we don't want to be a burden, but if we are grateful for assistance, our helpers can grow and feel pride in doing the right thing.

Lastly, as far as we oldsters are concerned, it's important to be a role model. What do I mean? Well, when our kiddos are little, or when kids in the neighborhood observed us in the challenges of the "prime" younger years of life, they learned how to handle obstacles and how to celebrate joys. When they become middle-aged, they observe us preparing and handling the situations at the end of life. If we as believers can display calm trust in God, and graciousness in receiving care, it provides them with role models for being grateful in the face of our physical ills and growing aches and pains. If we persist in being in denial, and refusing to smile and accept assistance, they will learn that old age is to be bitterly fought off, that there's no difference in an old unbeliever and an old believer. They will learn that being elderly is a matter of resentment, rather than a matter of embracing the next stage of what God has planned for us. If we age gracefully, it can make a positive difference in their old age.

On the flip side of the coin, perhaps it is we who are working to help older believers in our lives. Perhaps we are the ones trying to help, and we are the ones meeting with resistance. There are a few things that we can remember that will make things go more smoothly . . . .

First, the person we are trying to help is likely dealing with loss. It could be physical loss, or the loss of a spouse. It could be a mental loss, and that is so frightening to the person experiencing it. It is almost always a loss of independence. Accepting help may mean giving up privacy. It may mean an increase in living costs. 

Work with the elder to determine the level of help that is needed. Make sure that they understand what you are trying to do, and that it's love that motivates you. Pay close attention to their preferences, and don't give up! Relax. Listen.

Are we suggesting changes to daily life? Suggest also a trial run, to see how it goes. Make sure that we address care in positive terms. We can do our research and have information to calm fears about costs. If we do our best to understand their point of view, we can avoid fighting about minor issues. And definitely, if we are working to assist an older believer, make certain to pray with them and support them in their walk. Offer to read the Bible to them; focus on passages that they request. Pray alongside them and listen to their prayers, too. 

Are we aging gracefully?
Are we aging gratefully?

Do not cast me away when I am old; do not forsake me when my strength is gone. (Psalm 71:9)

They will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green. (Psalm 92:14)